So, what have I been procrastinating with again? Is it about a new business after my apps failed? Is it about some new girl I find hot? Not exactly. This is a narrative on identity.
Let’s start at the beginning. When I was five, I was into the universe, and at seven years old, I was—if you will—passionate about nuclear physics. My mother supported that development because science brings jobs.
At the of 13, in December 2020, something changed. I started my self-improvement journey because I wanted to become an entrepreneur. I began to learn programming. By mid-2022, I had my first app online, and two more followed soon.
However, in the back of my mind, I was split between pursuing business and science. Both can offer growth, risk, adventure, and the truth. That changed rapidly after I had an internship at my local university at age 15. Now I never wanted to have anything to do with academia ever again. I learned that my parents talked me into science. My remaining pre-puberty worldview and identity have collapsed.
Despite the nonexistent desire for science, programming continued to interest me, even beyond making apps to find success in life. I was intrigued by how you write code once, and then it does its job for the rest of the time. I had fun developing little algorithms. I was interested in math, infinity, and abstraction. But now that’s about to change…
Now I'm 16 years old, and three months ago, in September 2023, I had to accept that my apps failed – mainly because I built apps no one wanted.
Three months had passed, and I had not touched my computer but one time. Well, sure, after working for three years and suffering a massive defeat, it’s okay to take a break, and I have taken breaks before. But I believe there’s something deeper going on. It’s not just a break. Now my desire for programming is over. The last layer of my pre-puberty self is gone. I’ve changed too much. Now my spirit dwells somewhere different.
Once in these three months, I touched a computer for a programming competition. Programming is no joke. Programming is like going through an infinite maze blindfolded. It’s a constant headache because you bump into the walls. I don’t understand how I could do it for hours on end; today, I can’t handle that anymore. I think you need at least some mental damage to the program. But I’m no longer compatible with programming. Now that last piece of interest for programming is gone. I'm not a nerd anymore.
That’s the conflict; my parents view me as a nerd. Many of my classmates know I'm a beast and not some nerd, but my parents view me as a nerd. I am good at programming, but I couldn’t imagine structuring my life around it. I’ve changed too much. I have nothing in common with the person I was before puberty. I started to think for myself.
In their opinion, writing and videos are nonsense. - “Business? Well, you don’t have a plan! Grow up.”
Here’s where the conflict comes into place. From June to October 2024, I have holidays. 12th grade ends in March, the last exam is around my 17th birthday. My parents want me to get a programming internship at that time.
But I don't.
After procrastinating a lot, I applied against my will because my parents want me to have ‘options.’ So I was a ‘good girl’ and applied to a few companies. But then, after the third application, I sat down with my parents. I told them that I have one life.
I don’t know what’s next, and that’s okay.
Am I strong enough to be called a failure by my parents? Yes. I have one life, and time is always running. I do not want to live a life of regret because I pursued my parent’s narrative.
The text about the death of my apps had a section in it where I described how I replaced my rope with a solid silver necklace after waiting for years for the right moment. Yet, recently, I’ve been very unconscious, and I lost this necklace which was symbolic of my transformation. Now, once again, I'm at the very beginning.