A few days ago, I once more wanted to demonstrate how alpha I was. So, I invited my university group chat to a meetup. Judging from the profile photos, I thought, there may be a few hot blondes there, so I must prove my leadership.
We met a week later and I was severely disappointed. I brought my business cards for nothing – no girls. I was also disappointed because none of them had any heroic stories or colossal achievements. Instead, they were interested in chilling, playing video games, and science. They were explicitly disinterested in people, and hence we sat in silence most of the time.
“Sunlight is good for testosterone, let’s go and sit in the sun,” I commanded while the autumn sun was setting. “No actually, I don’t want to get skin cancer,” was the response I got.
Sigh… I’ve written about love and heartbreak, failure and victory, passion and desire, pride and humility, yin and yang, and I can’t find words to express how monumentally different I am.
I don’t like nerds. One time, I was in the campus of computer science because of a competition. All grades were present and you could see how with every year, their backs got curvier. As I entered the building, I shouted, “Morning!” and no one even looked in my direction.* How can that be real?
A good year ago, I still don’t know whether that was an attempt to annoy me or not, I got to know some 19-year-old. He was so submissive, awkward and weak… Even my eight-year-old brother swam faster than he. When I asked him how many girls had asked him out, his response was zero.
What happens if you spend time with people? You become similar to them. Makes sense, right?
The problem is, these nerds live completely artificial, insignificant and unhealthy lives – Just like I did five years ago. It was horrible. I’m glad to have grown past that. Why should I want to go back? Why should I want to absorb their energy? Why should I want give up my drive, ambition or positivity?
So, I have nothing in common with nerds. Who then? Back in school, I used to talk to many people interested in business, and the gym, just as me. But still, we were too different. For instance, while I was going to the gym, supplements and bodybuilding never interested me. I went to the gym to train my spirit, not my body. Neither was I ever really interested in parties. Even though I liked business, I viewed business as self-improvement and not as money making, so we had some incongruency here too.
What about the church, then? Well, that’s also not very binding for me. I think most people who claim to be Christian don’t glorify God in every action of theirs and live hedonistic lives instead. Besides, most of the things they say are agnostic or outright atheist.
I have a very hard time dating, despite being sexy – because I don’t fit in. Here’s an example: I write. Some girls like to read. So, you may conclude that’s a match. Wrong. I view reading as escapism. Besides, why should I talk about what another man wrote on my date? A far bigger issue I face is that most girls are too boring to even talk to.** Because I don’t fit in, it’s difficult to judge me.
Now you may think, do I not fit in with people interested in entrepreneurship? Not really, because my first two businesses failed after four years of work and now, I don’t know what to do with my life. Who am I supposed to introduce myself as?
I will probably spend the next five years of my life in university and relate to absolutely no one.
Maybe I should change.
But I don’t want to.
Let’s face it; I’m not one of them. Who am I doing a favor by squeezing myself to fit in? The more I try to fit in, the more I feel like a stranger. Perhaps it is a part of my soul that yearns connection. Yet, an even greater part knows better.
I cannot give up; I cannot fatigue, for my resilience knows no bounds. I will go through darkness in search of light.
I am so calm not because of what lies ahead, but because of what lies behind. I must thank the Lord for the friends I have.
Such is the lonely chapter.
*****
* I believe, if you think complicated, you can’t think big. That being said, I took the standard 16 personalities test and got ENTJ-A, also known as the ‘commander’ or ‘executive.’ I then went on to ask a bot to analyze my texts and everything seemed consistent.
** Now you may be curious what I look for in women. Well, I look for intelligence, conscientiousness and of course – blonde. Why do I look for conscientiousness and intelligence? Firstly, it’s easy to filter. School grades are an excellent indicator for both. Secondly, conscientiousness is linked to discipline and emotional stability, meaning no girls nights out or tattoos. I also find conscientiousness sexy, because I want the mother of my children to be reliable. I tend to be entrepreneurial and visionary, not particularly reliable. Thirdly, intelligence means deep talk.