About two months ago, I said I was going to record fifty videos and talk to fifty hot blondes. Now these two months are over, and the second year of university has begun. It is time to document what has happened.
But for you to understand the story, I must tell you something. My goal wasn’t fifty videos; it was to get used to recording daily. Analogously, I didn’t want to talk to fifty girls but rather get used to talking to them. At least, that’s what I wrote back in August. My actual goal was a bit different. I wanted to find out whether the girl who had been giving mixed signals wanted me – or, rather, whether I wanted her.
So, after the exam period ended, I decided to do something, and after the answer seemed to be no, I began with the project. I spoke to ten girls in about a week. One of these girls was exactly my type and age: blonde, Christian, …, and we talked for about an hour. Yet, surprisingly, I didn’t like her or her friends. I mention that because the sages say ‘people are bad at predicting what will make them happy.’ So, that made me think, maybe I should give that girl another chance?
Given the progress I was making, I thought, maybe fifty is too low a number. But then things took a turn. I got sick, and then my step-grandmother, sister, and I went to Greece for ten days, and my social skills got stiff. The trip itself was pleasant, the second best of my life. Yet, instead of talking to five to ten people a day, I spoke to zero for nearly three weeks. Why? Well, who do you think is attracted by all-inclusive hotels? That was when I knew this project was over; I had lost the momentum.
Meanwhile, I was making massive progress with my videos. I started with videos in the forest, just as I had done in 2024, but I quickly learned that travelling took too long. So, I tried videos where I spoke into the microphone and used my biking or walking as background footage. But not only was the footage very distracting, it was also surprisingly time-intensive, as I had to review the background footage, provided I had recorded it. With these microphone-and-bike videos, I had two approaches. I would read aloud a text or try to speak freely. I quickly stopped reading aloud texts, as that made me worse at speaking freely, killed the passion and writing scripts ate up excessive time. Then, I tried presentations. Well, once again, that killed the passion and took too long. Instead of getting an idea and recording the video right away, there would be a three-hour delay. So, I started recording myself with a camera, yet the audio was horrible and moving the files from the camera to the video editor alone took twenty minutes. So, I settled for recording on my phone with the microphone plugged in. That way, I could also edit and upload without having to switch devices. Because of how much practice I had, I was able to record without needing to cut my videos afterwards. That’s a monumental improvement, considering I could hardly say a sentence without stuttering before executing this project. I had thus found my way. I would record just short of fifty videos.
Four weeks had passed after Greece, and I had written my 9th and final exam for the 2nd semester. It was a presentation about an app I made, which predicted with 85% certainty how quickly a brain tumour will kill based on the scan’s appearance. While at home, three birds collided with my window, and if you’re a witch, you’d be able to tell that this is a good omen. I will leave you to infer how I interpreted this omen.
Then, it was time for me to return to the south, and I had the most beautiful trip of my life. Not only did I feel at home the minute I arrived, but I also spent all the days driving around. During a tour, we perched atop a two-kilometre peak as the sun sank beyond the mountains, the sea, and the drifting clouds. Unfortunately, I missed the sunset trying to photograph it. Hence, the real peak was a different one. Next to a monastery stood a flowering bush that was so enchanting it brought tears to my eyes.
The purpose of this trip was threefold: to visit my best friend, to get healthy, and to take pictures. I had an amazing time with him. We went to the theatre, worked out and had a lot of deep talk.
After returning, the answer was clear: she didn’t want me. So, I moved on the same day. Hopefully it stays that way, I don’t want cycles of attachment and non-attachment. This time was different from the first time back in 2023, because instead of desperately doubling down on good habits, I just called my best friend and we discussed it. With that, another thing died as well – I lost any desire to flex whatsoever. That was a much longer trend of mine, away from pride, but the disastrous marathon a year ago and talking to ten hot blondes really cemented that. I learned that flexing matters a lot less than expected – great people love because they are great, not because you are. In that sense, pride is people pleasing. The first consequence of that insight is that I deleted all pictures from my website. The desire to flex made me lose interest in photography. I knew that my motivation for uploading pictures was to advertise how adventurous my life was (for the hot blondes), but I had lost interest in doing so.
That does not mean, however, that status is not my main motivation. What else am I supposed to be motivated by – money, power, pleasure, enlightenment, …? The thing that has changed is the perspective. I think bigger – and that’s good because it frees me from needing to perpetually squeeze myself.
Additionally, I no longer concern myself with emotions or speculation. I have no interest in excavating the subconscious or debating events that never occurred. Neither do I care about the narratives in my mind.
Now you may be wondering, why did I need this two-month plot to find out whether she likes me or not? Well, I had to be subtle because I would see her for years to come. The next question is obvious: why did I not execute both projects earlier, given that I knew their inevitability? Well, once again, the answer is simple. Before that, my mental health was poor, so there was no point in dating or recording videos. Akin to my older texts, “Arguing with a defeated mind is like going to the gym with a broken arm.” – Picture this: if all things were equal, the desperate person will always make a worse decision than someone who is not. The inverse is also true: superior mental health produces superior decisions. The better my mental health got, the more love I had. That means, even if her interest were higher at that point, I have zero remorse. In life, everything has a rhythm. My strong and happy time is now. Once again, I am in a position where I cannot lose.