I want to start with a little story.
When I was eleven years old, my sister, grandmother, and I went to Rhodes, where we had some conversations, including many painful ones. One evening, we were walking through the quiet and dark alley; the sky was already completely black from a moonless night and the only light came from the hotels nearby. We discussed many mistakes we've made in the past, and my grandmother said she regretted not appreciating her mother enough. She further expressed that she only changed once the time was running out. I understood this very instance that I had made the same mistake. I didn’t appreciate my great-grandmother enough, either.
Thousands of kilometers separated us at that time, but when my grandmother and great-grandmother came to visit us twice a year, we treated my great-grandmother poorly. “Can't you stop annoying us?” - “Stop touching our stuff.” - “You are more annoying than my 4-year-old brother.”
As destiny wanted, my great-grandmother and grandmother couldn't visit us until three years later, in 2022, and when they did, I forgot the lesson from when I was eleven. Today, as of late 2023, they are both with us, and I see my great-grandmother potentially for the last time. That sensation of urgency was increased when my great-grandmother arrived and couldn’t recognize my sister. I felt relief when she knew who I was.
I knew that time was running out. I may have missed my last chance. There was no way to turn back time; there never will be, there never was.
She is still alive but not the person she used to be. Now that I've matured enough, I wanted to document her life, stories, and attitudes. Unfortunately, this will never happen. Her memories are burning faster and faster, and now they’re ashes. I learned too late.
It gets even worse. I don't have a single photo of her. Imagine being born in the Soviet Union in 1939 and experiencing everything, for your great-grandchildren to not even have a photo of you! I made sure to change that, at least I wasn’t too late here.
Dementia has been killing her slowly, very slowly. Dementia makes you lose everything, especially your spirit. Material wealth doesn't matter too much when you’re old, yet imagine forgetting every integral memory, everything that made you up as a person, every sunset you’ve just sat in quietness and felt so deep that you started to cry, imagine forgetting where you spent your life working, and imagine forgetting what has motivated you to get up every day in the absence of comfort, … You can’t extinguish the fire in your library, you can only watch. The thought that you are useless to others will torture you. You lose control and keep declining. Once enough memories are gone, you will begin to sit in your room in desperate confusion. One second, you will remember where you are and what you are doing and feel relief, and the next moment, you will forget everything and be scared. In another moment, you may remember that you remember nothing, and you will suffer from frightening hallucinations, permanently trapped in this bizarre liminality. A moment later, you will tear up over fragments of a miserable memory. There will be no present moment anymore, no more consciousness.
It's a slow death, and when death reaches her, not much is going to change – this is life’s harshest reality. Her mental decline made her personality die already. When the last coherent memory fades, the end is near. Then, one can only hope for a miracle where the last sighs of breath bring back the final forces of life, and her old self returns in the blink of an eye before she finally closes them.
I remember my great-grandmother’s apartment in Minsk, where I spent large chunks of my early childhood. She earned it through her excellent, diligent work in forgotten times. The condo had a clock on its wall. It unmistakably ticked every second. Brother, did I sleep well! Life feels completely different when there is a ticking clock. The television was ancient, so you could feel your skin tickling when approaching the glass. There was a Turk-style carpet on the wall. The furniture was made from dark wood. I remember I didn't like this flat because it had no toys. I remember how she would watch a health show every morning while the clock kept ticking and the TV was rustling. At least there were pens and paper in her apartment, so having nothing else to do, I would entertain myself with them while she cooked or read. I learned many things from her, and I can recall one specific thing. I was three or four years old, and I could only count to 40 and then started to mess up the numbers “…, 37, 38, 39, 40, 100, 1000, 1000 000, and now the numbers end” I can remember how quickly I learned to count correctly because she taught me how to count beyond 40. As it turns out, there are also 41, 42, and 43. We spent much time together in our dacha, a summer abode outside the city of Minsk. How good were the old days…
I don’t need to clarify the meaning of this story. Give love and appreciate others, especially before it’s too late. The pain of regret is permanent.
At my heart, I'm a philosopher. I believe that minimization of regret is central to a good life. Focusing on avoiding regret will lead to a fantastic life. There’s nothing worse than wasted potential and a life of mistakes too late to fix. Let’s employ strategical mastery; regret comes down to not doing the brave thing. That means most regret can be avoided by doing the brave thing. Let’s go a bit further. What’s at the center of the brave thing? The thing that matters. Hence, avoiding regret comes down to having the courage to do what truly matters.
What truly matters depends. One of the things that matters most is authenticity. - Try, even if the probable outcome is a failure. Ask out your love, and be true to your emotions. Spend time with loved ones. Say no, stand up for your beliefs, and say what you think. Live by the most profound realization.
A wise person learns from the mistakes of others, doesn't repeat others' mistakes, and doesn’t listen to ignorant people.
What being young is for. Youth is the excuse for ignorance, stupidity, and silly mistakes. Your youth is the time when you can fail monumentally, rest for a week, and be a beacon of energy again. That’s when you need to do something bold, seek challenge, and confront your biggest fears. Use your power, indefatigability, and resilience. Take risks, and you won’t regret it. The sky is starry when you are young.
Visit your parents and relatives. As a young adult, you are undoubtedly sick of your parents. You have changed a lot, and maybe you grew incompatible with them. Perhaps you moved somewhere completely different and started to live your own life. Please understand that geographical distance slowly kills relationships. However, I want you to visit your parents once in a while. Your parents will get older sooner than you think and complete the cycles of life in the blink of an eye.
Make peace. I don’t have a good relationship with my brother and should probably reassess my whole life. It’s not that we are hostile to each other; it's rather that I don’t like him because he destroyed many of my toys when I was a kid. Yes, I should reassess my life. I should make peace and calm my soul; life is too short for little annoyances.
Accept. Old people accept themselves, their flaws, and other’s flaws. The sooner you start to accept yourself, the sooner you’ll come to peace. Accept your values, standards, and flaws. That doesn’t mean you should be lazy. I mean that if you’re into something externally useless like birdwatching, don’t try to deny that. Live true to your heart. Accept that not all of your problems can be fixed and realize that some of your issues are realities of life. Accept your emotions and desires; it’s okay to be human. Pretending to be someone else is a sure way to live a life of regret.
What’s left unsaid? There will be a time when you will have to have a difficult conversation; it’s better to have it early. I remind my mother almost every day that I love her, not when it is too late. Ask the question you don’t want the answer to. I believe there’s something you’re too scared to tell or to ask. In a few years, I will ask my biological father why he’s such a bad person. In a few years or decades, I will ask the girl who rejected me why she didn’t want me. I will also tell the girls I crushed on that I used to have feelings for them. You have to get things out; that’s how you come to peace.
Love passionately. I can feel attraction so intense that most people never could. I think that’s a beautiful experience. Passion is struggle, and struggle creates beauty. Life is an energy exchange. Giving love uses energy, so why not give energy to those to whom it matters? I believe that most of life’s problems stem from a lack of love.
Give freely. I don’t believe it’s possible to regret giving without expecting anything in return. You don’t get what you give; you get more. Giving is an investment. Never underestimate the power of a sincere compliment.
Have fun. What are you working for? Some people sacrifice a lot for minimal improvements in their quality of life. It’s true that some work because they feel a purpose, but most people only work for the money. That’s problematic because money is a means to an end. It’s fleeting. I believe that becoming a millionaire at the age of twenty-five to travel the world, buy nice things, and retire one’s parents is better than hoarding money one’s entire life to become a billionaire at seventy. There’s nothing left to do at that age. Thinking long-term is valuable, but living in the future and solving problems that will never occur is never worth it. Delayed gratification is excellent, but delayed gratification can turn into no gratification. If you do not pursue things now, the road called ‘later’ leads to the town called ‘never.’ Most people who succumb to the trap of excessively delayed gratification are not hyper-ambitious men. They understand bloody well what they’re doing, and for men, it makes sense to work 14-hour days until they are thirty and then retire or scale back. After all, some men, need stress to be alive. The demographic that sacrifices the most are selfless mothers. They give their youth, health, and energy to raising children and put in infinite patience. I don’t have the perspective of a mother. I do, however, know that not sacrificing for children definitely leads to heavy regret, and seeing one’s children create beauty makes up for every struggle incomparable to any trip, dress, or restaurant visit. I don’t know where the line is – in fact, no one knows.
You will regret less than you might think. I lived in Minsk, Belarus, a green, well-designed city with two million inhabitants, full of things to do and a unique style. Moving to a small town in East Germany at age five in 2013, I initially saw its flaws—dirt, homelessness, and poor city design. Over a decade later, massive improvements were everywhere, and now my town looks very pretty. I lived in two cities that couldn’t be more different, and what did I learn? … I've traveled to Belarus, Lithuania, Germany, Poland, Czechia, Austria, Türkiye, the Canary Islands, Catalonia, Greece, and Egypt. What did I learn? Nothing. It’s the same everywhere. My mother once wondered, what if she never moved to Germany? Before she could make up the answer, I explained that nothing would be different. She would still go to work, have children, hang up the laundry, cook, and have neighbors she doesn’t like. The only thing that would differ is her use of the metro instead of a car. Everything is the same. Lovely people are everywhere. Everyone has their family and gets up to go to work and buy food. Humans are humans everywhere. Perhaps you won’t regret as much as you think you will. It’s your adaptation that matters. You can adapt to your country, your job, and the woman by your side. You will learn to enjoy your place. Sometimes, not worrying about regret eliminates it. Don’t fear missing out; focus on what’s genuine.
Peace comes from the mind. Some people say they want to be happy; they actually want to be happier. Wanting more happiness creates a gap in one’s reality, and that gap is defined as dissatisfaction. If a hermit can find happiness alone and with nothing, why can’t you? How you feel has no impact on your external. Prioritizing happiness makes it fade because happiness is the reward for a good life.
If it costs peace of mind, don’t pay. If you overstep and don’t do what you should, your mind will let you know. Don’t enter a relationship where you are always worried; why should you make your life harder than it is? Don’t say things you don’t believe in. Only do something that lies in good faith.
Uncompromising excellence. I failed often, and I regret none of my failures. When I give
my best, I stay free of regret. Using one’s talent, energy, and commitment to the fullest is how to avoid regret.
Take risks because the biggest risk is not taking risks at all. Do, even if the probable outcome is a failure. And
even if you fail, you can try again, you can fight for the heart of the girl you want. The world is built on people
who say,
“Yes, you’re all wrong; I believe it’ll work.”
What is the deepest realization? If I only knew… What would you do if you weren’t scared? Which story would you like to have? What would you think on your deathbed? What would you do if you couldn’t fail? What would you do after accomplishing everything?
This used to be a separate text written in March 2024.
Change in your heart to find peace from stupid mistakes.
I lived a life. Not in the sense of a goldfish would, but also in the sense of making many mistakes, which I deeply regret. – and I was able to find peace. What I will write about no longer raises my pulse or makes my breath go wild. I found peace. Finding peace is fairly straightforward. You don’t need to read a text on how to redeem yourself. In your darkest yearning, you are aware of virtue’s ways. Your conscience will thrash you until you process, confess, apologize, regret, and suffer enough. It will torture you until you get what you deserve. There is no way around it.
I used to be bullied, yet a few years later, I became a bully myself. It was never physical or particularly serious, ‘only’ degrading comments. Initially, I didn’t participate in the bullying group in school, but then I took the lead. I’m not proud of that. It makes me think low of myself. The worst thing about it is that I got away with it. The only thing was a conversation in my class. I didn’t learn anything. My ‘friends’ turned away from me. After I got wind of that deserved betrayal, I wrote a few messages of hatred and resentment to one such ex-friend. Back then, I didn’t fully understand why I was wrong. I got punished, with the principal having a serious conversation and my phone being taken away for a week. Everyone else turned away from me, which was not the real punishment either. The actual penalty lasted a lot longer; the months that followed immediately afterward were made up of sweaty nights, obsessive intrusive thoughts, and deep regret. – Until April 2023, when my mind tortured me about it. That’s four years. The stains on my story will remain as reminders forever.
I apologized to the boy I bullied, and things are normal again; he is doing alright. The second boy, the one I insulted, I never saw him again; he moved away a few months later. I wish to see him and thank him for the lessons. However, I know that this is never going to happen. I'm at peace regardless; he didn’t get hurt by a text message because he didn’t even read it, and he only got it because I made the mistake of setting the screenshot as my daily update on the messaging app. I could go on forever with the stupid things I did. I was stupid. In movies, women are attracted to the bully, but in real life, there is nothing to be proud of, anything shameful.
Eventually, I found peace from that all; I learned my lessons and fixed myself as a person. Indeed, I could say that I had a traumatizing childhood and shallowed everything, and then it came out, yet I doubt it’s a valid excuse. Indeed, other people played a role and catalyzed my corrupt character and actions. Indeed, I was raised with some flaws. - You know, it’s easy to be immature. It’s easy to blame others. I must blame myself, a past version of mine I never want to become.
I eventually found peace by writing about that nonsense, sharing my lesson, improving my life, letting time heal wounds, skipping 9th grade, and genuinely changing as a person, developing love and empathy. It was a profound transformation that brought the most peace. I have little in common with the person I was half a decade ago. In my darkest yearning, I was aware of virtue’s ways.
Do you know what else redeemed me? A few days ago, I wrote a letter to a former teacher of mine. I wrote of how dumb I used to be and how grateful I was for him to be one of the people to help me change. I brought up an example in the letter, which took place when I was eleven, the same this bullying story takes place. I didn’t want to participate in a math Olympiad, so he just handed me out the questions for me to solve. I was arrogant, lazy, and stupid to resist that math Olympiad. Years have passed since. I long waited to write the email, and then I finally did. I wrote about how stupid I was. The response was positive and confirmed my development in the right direction.
I learned a lot. You can find the lessons from this very mistake in every text I ever wrote or will. Responsibility. Get to know your shadow and potential for evil. Choose the right friends, have high standards, and resist peer pressure. Life is a test. A life of growth allows for every negative to be compensated. That’s also the reason why I propagate: learn the easy way, not in the hardest way possible. It also made me a lot more conscious and taught me the value of self-control.
Only when you’ve been evil can you know you became good. – Know thyself.
Now, perhaps you’ve never been bullied; maybe you’ve never bullied anyone and didn’t commit any other moral crime or make a few stupid mistakes. Let this text be a warning. Being stupid will happen to anyone. If nothing had happened so far, life perhaps didn’t push hard enough. This is why you have to know yourself. If life didn’t push you, it will do so sooner or later – be prepared. This is not to ridicule my mistakes; I want to warn you. You will make stupid mistakes, and you will only find peace if you genuinely regret and suffer. Your mind will restore justice. I encourage you to set your mistakes straight to gain peace, to come to peace. In your darkest yearning, you are aware of virtue’s ways. Redemption can come in the end. It’s one of the best feelings to have. Yet, don’t expect that you are going to stay free of scars, they are going to stay as a quiet reminder; do not be stupid again.
God, teach me to love and to forgive.
Please forgive the sins I regret.
Amen.
A date fell from a palm as I went on a walk today. I picked up the fresh, golden fruit, cleaned it, and ate it—how it tasted didn’t matter. The palms protect their fruits with their height, but I saw one falling in front of my feet as a gift.
I understand what deep regret feels like, especially if it cannot be fixed. I don’t want to be the woman who gives a rejection and then the winds carry the legacy of the one she rejected. I don’t want to be the person blessed with extraordinary capabilities and then make them go to waste. I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t remind his mother every day I love her. Life is a test; regret is the final judgment before God himself.
What do I regret most in life? I don’t regret trying hard, expressing emotions, forgiving, pushing my limits, doing the brave thing, standing up, giving love, or delaying gratification; I don’t regret a single failure, and neither do I regret making decisions to the best of my ability and the purest of my heart. I regret none of these things. Neither did I ever regret letting go. My biggest regret is that I didn’t learn those lessons earlier; it took mistakes to get here. However, regret minimization would not have been central to my philosophy without those mistakes. Now,
I live every day as if it’s my last.