Note. This text may be harsh sometimes, so you may not like it, and that’s okay. But because it’s central to my philosophy, I find it valuable to share.
1. I don't want to peak at a party.
I love myself. Most people will say that their younger version is stupid. I would say my past self was brilliant. I delayed so much gratification that I can’t help but feel gratitude. When you ask the average person what they were thinking about at the age of 13, they won’t be able to name anything significant. I was worried about becoming monumentally successful. That’s all I was interested in, and I will not pretend to want less to please others. I want more out of life than a daughter, a degree, and a house. I call a life where ‘house’ is the most significant achievement depression. I’m not built to live a normal life.
In Germany, where I live, there’s a tradition. It’s called youth consecration. Every 14-year-old celebrates their partial coming of age. When I was 13, I made it abundantly clear to my parents that I had zero interest in this celebration. I refused to participate. I didn’t want to peak at a party. This celebration wasn’t something authentic I wanted to do, and I had no problems resisting the peer pressure surrounding it. I didn’t desire life to happen to me like everyone else. I refused to have the memory of this party as a symbolic refusal of the ordinary path. Due to my self-improvement, and ambition, I was already incompatible with most. I skipped 9th to finish 12th grade at 16 years old and had more time to grow rich; in parallel, I had a programming course for adult professionals. There was nothing I could possibly have in common with the average person.
Do I regret not going? No. Everyone who did was disappointed anyway. Besides, who would I be doing a favor for? No one profits from me going, and no one benefits from me pretending to lower my ego, and no one profits if I lie to myself. Call me crazy, conceited, arrogant, or whatever you want, but I don’t care. I won’t change my life to please people who don’t care about me.
If you want to live an average life, that’s okay, and there’s nothing wrong with it. If you have found good friends, an exciting job, and aren’t into being on your constant edge, that’s okay. I know many people with average but happy lives. I write this text with a different intent. I'm sick of people forcing their averageness on me and people lying to themselves just to fit in.
2. The two paths
Fast-forward a few years. I'm 16, and I'm grateful for the things I've done. I’ve stayed true to my vision, walking the path I wanted to walk on.
I don’t care about psychology, personality, temperaments, … The only thing I care about is whether someone lives true to themselves or not. I don’t believe all those who live an average life truly enjoy it. Many people simply don’t dare to be themselves and kill their ambition.
Those born with a flame and forced to turn it off suffer. The bigger the flame, the bigger the suffering. That’s why the average life is depressing to me. That’s not just something I thought of while sitting in my room; I speak from experience. I got a taste of the average life and hated every second.
Some create, others react. Some produce, others buy. Some act, others watch. There is no ‘better’ path in itself, and there will never be one because both roles are necessary. The critical difference between those paths is whether someone desires to explore and how well one can handle the unknown.
3. Beyond peer pressure
I have a theory—it may be wrong—but I believe there’s a correlation between the level of consciousness and the desire for the unknown. If a goldfish knew the truth, it couldn’t continue to live in blissful ignorance. If you think I reduced some people to being goldfish, yes, I did. I know some people who have never been anywhere, have never read a book, and have never had their hearts broken. Those people cannot understand what consciousness means, and they do not desire to find a spiritual revelation. A parrot can swing around in its cage; I can’t; I need the unknown.
Consciousness has its problems. It makes life more complicated, exhausting, and painful. Life is difficult if you desire only adversity—the metaphorical high, dark, and cold. Most cannot overcome these obstacles and try to turn off their consciousness. That’s life.
I believe that peer pressure is the antithesis of consciousness. Fish live in schools where they don't have to think for themselves. If one isn’t motivated by the unknown, peer pressure, comfort, and safety take over.
4. How people deal with the burden of consciousness
Path one. Rejecting the unknown and living an ordinary life. The most common path is the rejection of the extraordinary. They may have had a flame, and they either turn it off or are forced to. There’s no guarantee that the specific combination of one’s traits is useful at a given time. This is why many wish never to have been born with a flame; life would be simpler.
Path two. Mastery. Others aim to excel in the game they've been born into, striving to dominate and find fulfillment in success. They live like billionaires or significant figures such as explorers, astronauts, or revolutionaries. These individuals express their consciousness by mastering their fields and achieving greatness.
Path three. Embrace authenticity. Some choose a life of pure excellence, doing only what their consciousness desires, free from expectations. Writers, artists, and monks pursue this path, creating wisdom and living authentically without ties to societal norms.
5. Why I felt depressed after three years of self-improvement
I know precisely what losing one’s mental presence looks like.
Today is January 20th, 2024, and since December 21st, I’ve been almost unconscious. In other words, I became depressed after three years of self-improvement. I lost my flame and felt darkness. How did I manage to fall so deep?
Let’s start in June 2023, seven months ago. I asked out a girl and got rejected. I found her so attractive that I failed to get over her. In September 2023, my apps, which I worked on for three years, failed, which left me weak and sick. Also, in September, I heard her brag about a loser she would spend time with – that’s a severe red flag. In late October 2023, three months ago, I “decided” to let go because she showed no sign of attraction whatsoever, and I had enough pointless pain. I wrote a text on it, and a few days later, her behavior changed drastically, making me think she was now interested in me. So, I was deeply split between my values and my heart. Meanwhile, I continued to get weaker and continued to be physically sick.
Then, in late December, I decided to ask her out again because my heart would otherwise not give me peace. So, on Thursday, December 21st, I wanted to ask her out, but I failed to gather that courage because she was with that guy.
Being a coward made me lose my flame. That cowardice ate me from within. That made me depressed. I fell emotionally very low around Christmas 2023; I’ve never felt so defeated and lifeless before. There were, of course, other things at play, such as a complete shift in personality. I felt lifeless until very recently. That’s why I write this text. I want to pass on the lessons.
My consciousness made me suffer, but I’m starting to turn it around. I firmly believe that a conscious life searching for the unknown is the best experience possible.
Now, my flame slowly reignites.