I feel broken. Nothing is deeper than the realization created in herculean despair, and nothing breaks like a heart. The only way out is through; I must lean into my pain until it starts to nourish me – true beauty follows struggle.
The last month’s color was pain, defeat and the fear of what comes ahead. I tried to paint the canvas using hope, but I could not. This is a story of purpose, heartbreak and life-changing inflection points. This is one of the most pivotal moments of my life.
December 2020 - June 2023
When I was 13 years old, I had a vision. I decided that my future lies in entrepreneurship. I would create an app and market it using social media. Back then, I didn’t know anything, and my ignorance prevented any confusion. I was fully aligning my life to my purpose. I would spend every waking second working, learning how to program. I was restless and determined. I didn’t even make my hair. I held my frame at all times; I listened to absolutely no one who tried to distract me.
Over time, I ventured into new endeavors. One such minor purpose came to me in early 2021 when I needed to take a short break from programming. After learning that my mother mastered the German language in only three months, I decided that I would not regret to begin with studying Chinese. I went to the bookstore to buy myself a course. I couldn’t find one, so I used an app to commit a few weeks. At the same time, I started my first few channels and tried many video formats. Then, my advanced programming course started and I went all in on programming again.
Almost a year later, it was April 2022, and I got started with the creation of my first app, a mental math app. However, I needed a short break once again. Thus, I created 375 short videos in 60 days. I recorded time-lapses and slow-motion videos, a relic of 2021 and 2020 when I first decided to go on the path I'm on.
I worked harder than I thought possible. After months of brute force, the first version of the app was online in August 2022. I grew more productive and competent by the day. I started improving my physical and mental health, getting rid of all bad habits, and starting to do sports. By 2023, my life was perfect because I progressed incredibly quickly.
I was genuinely happy because I focused on greatness.
June 2023 - Early September 2023
The second I found the greatest fulfillment, it slipped away. During my best days, in May 2023, when I saw unparalleled performance and monumental improvements, I started to feel sad on the inside. I would go on walks and cry at random.
Something was off, something was missing.
I knew precisely what it was.
My creativity ran dry. I stopped thinking, focusing, - obsessing over my apps. I had completed this purpose. My apps had served me to attain the competencies I needed, such as the ability to work hard and focus—now, they were no longer necessary.
In June, I already felt that my apps were destined for commercial failure. After an online ad campaign, posters at school, seventy videos documenting the programming journey, and thousands of hours committed, I still failed to gain any traction. In early September, my worst assumptions were proven to be correct. After three more ad campaigns, I had to accept the failure of my apps.
Never underestimate the power of the subconscious. You will see no progress if your subconscious is misaligned with your goals. I feel awkward typing these words—something else started to occupy my mind…
I fell in love.
In March 2023, right around the time I started creating videos documenting my self-improvement journey, I started to make hair. Of course, for the videos…
Back in March, I had zero social skills, and thus, I leaned into building them. Every day, I would think of sincere compliments for everyone. On May 1st, I decided to be ready by June 1st, a Thursday, and that’s when I would ask her out.
I was initially very hesitant about the idea of asking her out because I got asked out three times in the previous years. I kept hoping for a day when her friends would come to me with a revelation, and I would pretend to know nothing, perhaps just for effect. I thought I was the sexiest person in my town. I have never seen a 16-year-old who worked nine hundred uninterrupted days, even when it meant working on the beach, on the plane, or at school. My discipline knew no bounds either; I could resist any instant gratification. I had a six-pack, so I was physically attractive too. I had classmates ask me how they could invest in me because they believed in my eventual success. Everyone kept repeating that I was a genius, and I won’t lie to you; compared to them, I was. I convinced myself that women find ambition, discipline, and purpose sexy. – I realized that I should stop hoping for things to change. Life is meant to be lived and not waited.
On June 1st, the class this girl and I shared happened to be canceled. I tried to find her, and I did; I sat next to her in the cafeteria. She wasn’t sitting alone but with a classmate. I didn’t particularly like him because he used to annoy me from behind in the physics lessons. I also didn’t support his hedonistic approach to life. After an hour of me learning about her, I found her even more attractive – usually, the opposite is true. I did not have enough courage to ask her out because I concluded that she had zero interest in me. So, I almost gave up.
A few days later, my grandmother happened to call me and ask whether I happened to have a crush on somebody. While I would have kept secrecy, I decided to admit my emotions and be true to myself. She told me to ask her out regardless of the potential for failure.
On a Wednesday evening, I got the idea to start a blog, and by Thursday noon, I had published three texts.
On Friday, I went to school with the intent of asking her out. For months, I had always greeted her when I entered the school. That morning, she wasn’t there.
I thought about going to the room where her class took place, but I was too weak to do it. Then, at home, I decided to be fast over being a gentleman, so I asked her out via text message.
This was my first ever rejection.
I took it surprisingly well. Remember that faint sadness from May? It was gone, and my productivity was back to normal again, which meant that my productivity left no time to be sad. I also took the rejection well because a few hours later, my stepfather returned from Silicon Valley with great news. He managed to organize a future job for me because he got to know the wife of the founder of a software company. Also, I started this blog, and it has busied me. Fun fact: To this day, I have this blog.
However, … Just a few days later, the rejection started to really hurt. While I saw an emotional and creative decline in late May and recovered for a few days, it fell to zero again. I needed a break. Discipline, speed, and constant innovation caught up. While I moved on quickly from failed experiments, such as new features and new designs, now every failure seemed to matter, even those that had nothing to do with my apps. I began to think that I may have worked too much, nine hundred days in a row. I remember nothing from the ten-day burnout, and I find it mysterious that I don’t have diary entries either. It would take almost a whole month to recover to full productivity. Yet, I would not return to my apps to work on them. I would read, write, create videos, do sports, and live an overall very extreme life. Sleeping in, warm water, sweets, and music didn’t exist for me. I would do many cool things; for example, I had two internships simultaneously and solved 10.000 mental math tasks in 11 hours to promote my apps…
But I did all that while thinking of her.
I will do everything in my power to get what matters. I will dedicate every second of my life aligned with my purpose; I will go to monumental lengths for love.
– If that includes creating videos, writing texts, getting a six-pack, working 14-hour days, learning how to be a gentleman, skipping 9th grade, building an empire, and becoming monumentally successful, I would do it. I started to ‘promote my apps,’ and my channel ‘started to build an audience.’ – isn’t it obvious? My projects inspired me, not her feminity; how can you not understand? Even when it rained, I went on walks every day to breathe fresh air – not to find her, but because I care about consistency. Sigh… I did, do, and will do everything out of love, and that’s where uncompromising excellence comes from. It is love, nothing more, nothing less, that gives me an indomitable spirit.What’s an indomitable spirit? One that , never gives up, never fatigues, never quits, never bends, and always puts in faith and passion. This spirit is truly endless – just as love.
September 2023 - October 2023
A purposeful life includes closing chapters. I knew I had to close the one with the apps, so I did that. I started four ad campaigns and let my apps fail. I confronted my biggest fears. After letting go, I felt at peace.
Nature's grand symphony and its eternal cycles unveiled before me. It was like watching the last sunshine of the year, where the golden leaves are ballerinas in the wind.
Just as the golden leaves don’t dance eternally, the relief of letting go never last long. There’s something in humans: once a purpose is completed, one is ready for the next. The second a goal is accomplished, one thinks, ‘That’s it’?
After these few pleasant days in September of 2023, I grew weaker by the minute. My first purpose, the app one, to which I aligned three years of my life, was now over, and bliss was followed by defeat and uncertainty – what was I supposed to do now? And then, at school, I heard her brag to her friends how great a completely purposeless hedonist was and how they were going to spend their autumn holidays together. My reality breaking apart this instant is an understatement. It only got worse from here. On the five-day school trip to Venice, I was surrounded by my weak-minded, unambitious, and undisciplined classmates. I unwillingly absorbed their energy, and it accelerated my decline. The next day, my family forced me to go on a vacation with them, and it made me even weaker; purpose was not near me, and I was distanced from my core. A few more weeks passed, and I felt even more defeated. Every time I tried to get up, I failed.
Today is October 22nd, 2023, and I decided to overthink my entire life and wander for as long as I needed to find the answer.
I don’t know whether she’s interested in me, whether she’s reading my texts,¹ and, if so, whether she wants me. I only know that she’s trying hard to avoid me at school, and I also know that in the last two weeks, I coincidentally saw her three times during my daily walk.² I don’t know whether she was taken or whether she just misjudged me in June because I changed faster than my nerdy image. However, if she’s taken, I have no doubt this relationship will break apart because she’s a complicated girl, and most won’t be willing to handle that. Also, if she’s taken, I can guarantee a monumental power imbalance in her favor.³ Simply put, only very few are on my current level, and no one will love her as passionately as I would because the sky is starry when you are young.
I don’t know anything. I kept wandering. It was already getting dark, and as I saw a few couples on motorcycles, I didn’t want to accept that it might be her.
Here I was, and I made a decision.
Never did I regret letting go.
Discipline, learning, cold showers, hard work, mediation… they’re all great. Do you know what’s better than any of those things? A vision.
A purposeful life means constantly redefining what’s possible. It means living at one’s edge in the search for uncompromising excellence. You’ve been given gifts, and your purpose is to give them away.
You will continue to suffer weakness as long as you are distanced from your core. A life lived without purpose is incredibly mundane, tedious, and draining. A purpose gives you something to pour your entire energy into.
Every pleasure on earth expires. No matter how big your house, how hot your blonde, or how legendary your status, you will reach a point where it becomes routine. You can have all the pleasure in the world, but true fulfillment only stems from purpose. Chasing pleasure is a black hole; it can never be filled. Purpose goes beyond pain and pleasure.
I know of no greater pleasure than following one’s purpose.
I do not believe in resting. With a genuine purpose, you will want to give it your all. A purpose does not drain; it energizes and inspires beyond bounds. I do not believe in going on vacations—I do not want to live distanced from my core. I do not need to enjoy myself when I can enjoy purpose. Resting and relaxing are feminine energies.
What's my current definition of success? Doing the impossible not once, but twice. Why twice? Because I believe that doing the impossible once comes from a place of desire. Doing the impossible twice comes from a place of purpose.
The only way to live is to follow your purpose and align your life with it.
Recently, someone asked me what my life would look like in five years. I like to view myself as a visionary, but I couldn’t answer. I don’t know where I will live, what I will work, or who I will love. I don’t know what my next purpose will be. The mediocre life has a design—kindergarten, school, college, job, family, retirement, and death. For me, that isn’t relevant. Why live a life that was lived countless times already? I don’t want to peak at a party. A purposeful life cannot be planned out. This is the limit of thinking long-term.
Even though I dedicate my entire time to setting up my future, I don’t know which shape, size, or form it will take. One purpose after the other…
“Mid-life crisis” refers to people who have completed their purpose in life, including family, jobs, and everything else they are supposed to do. They go on a search, and some complete it successfully. However, some fail and grow complacent, slow, and sick.
How is a purpose found? Solitude and boredom.
Purposeful living means living true to oneself. It means not listening to what others want, living as if one’s father was dead, and holding one's frame at all times.
I don’t know where my future is going to take me. Once I establish the financial side, I don’t know what I will do. Maybe completing the economic side will open doors to drive other purposeful businesses? Perhaps I will do something beyond my current comprehension.
The biggest mistake in life is hoping that things will be different one day. – One I toil endlessly, rest will
come. Once I endure a joyless job, I will eventually pursue my true calling. Once I get rich, I will summon the
courage to ask her out. Once one speaks fluently, one can record videos. Once I find love, I will find eternal
happiness. No.
There are no shortcuts. Life remains a relentless challenge, and you must embrace it—you will never be fully
prepared. Plans will falter, and that's alright; no one promised an easy journey. Your mind will invent excuses,
testing your direction. Perfection, a mirage, will forever elude you; the pieces will never align flawlessly. Do
not wait for the storm
to pass if adventure calls.
For years, my parents wanted me to study biomedical engineering. I disagree. Even if it sounds fancy, this is not my calling. I won’t spend my life building machines to alleviate suffering. I also don’t believe that surgery and advanced technology can fundamentally cure all people — sleep, diet, fresh air, and social connections prevent most problems. If I dedicate my life to something I don’t like or believe in, I distance myself from my core. Hence, my parents convinced me to study computer sience, because I'm good at it and so won't have to do much. That’s at least one tiny notch better, but I still disagree. I do not want to suffer the pain of being a nerd, especially if that happens while program, for which I lost all desire. I know how purpose feels and I find it impossible to live without it. I understand the suffering mind of an artist.
I consider myself the most successful person on the planet. No matter how much money you gave me, I would not stop writing and recording videos. This is the current layer of my bigger entrepreneurship purpose. This is truly authentic to me.
A while ago, I envisioned a future where I would get up at three and record videos in nature. Nothing stops me.
I’m a true philosopher. I do what I preach. I’m willing to change everything. I started to learn Chinese in the spring of 2021 after I needed a short break from programming. I wanted to avoid regret. I leaned into it for a few weeks and finished half of the app’s course. I did not doubt that another language would broaden my worldview and enhance the level of person I am. However, when that stopped being a priority, ever since 2021, I haven’t made any considerable progress, maybe even negative progress. Now we have October 2023, and for 928 uninterrupted days, I kept ‘practicing’ – which in reality meant just maintaining the streak and leaderboard position. For roughly two weeks, I’ve thought about quitting. What would future me do? Shouldn’t I stick to it? Should I throw away my efforts or risk losing even more? Isn’t learning a good habit? Am I even learning? – But then I realized that this app was enslaving me. I feared losing my phone and being offline because of that app. Thus, I quit after a 928-day streak. I deleted the account and closed this chapter. It took humility. Then, I had a 355-day streak with my self-made mental math app, which I created as my first purpose and which I let fail a month ago. I don't know what kind of coincidence it is that I reached a 200-day streak on my birthday and solved the 10,000th cumulative task. But I let go.
Purpose means letting go and focusing on what’s truly essential. It means not getting lost in a task but always working true to the vision.
What would I do if I couldn’t fail? What would I do if I wasn’t scared? What do I wish to have done when I look back? Where can I avoid lifelong regret? Where am I lying to myself? Which decision needs to be made? – Live by the deepest realization.
Let’s return to the original plot.
Why did I fall in love with a girl who didn’t want me? Why did God make her so irresistibly attractive? What was God trying to tell me? God himself must have made her send her and make her spend time with that failure to show me that I’m a nobody. Ambition, brilliance, diligence, determination, passion – they’re all sexy, but I cannot forget to be human.
I cannot stop; I cannot fatigue; I must face the world and realize that I'm still at the very beginning. – That’s how I lost my arrogance. I’m not the most attractive person. I’m not a supreme human being and neither am I alone on my level. This was necessary.
Being willing to change everything is the ultimate humility.
The cost of ignoring one's true purpose is too high a price to pay. You cannot choose who to love, nor can you force your heart to spark an interest. There are forces beyond our understanding—call them fate, destiny, or simply God.
Happiness is a fleeting emotion drifting like leaves in the wind. However, fulfillment has a lasting presence, the deep feeling that comes from knowing you've used your limited time wisely. Fulfillment is a timeless gift.
My favorite emotion is the way the golden leaves dance in the year’s last sunshine. It mirrors accomplishment and release, a moment of serene acceptance as things follow their natural course once more. The leaves, like the wind, the seasons, and the seemingly eternal universe, come and go. This is the timeless essence of fulfillment. I’m moved by marveling at the profound peace that follows years of effort and exhaustion. How serene it is to breathe in the calm stillness. Bittersweet piano notes play, each second tinged with pain yet contributing to a magnificent whole. Every brushstroke adds despair, but the resulting image is breathtaking—like the final moment of stillness before embracing something new and even better. I long to see the golden leaves falling in the windy sunshine of one of the year's last bright days before winter's dark and cold. And I would echo Goethe, “Will I say to the moment, just linger, you are so beautiful.”
*****
¹ This is the very first text I wrote about her, which is why it is so special. Previously, I kept silent because I hoped to impress her. Why do you think I solved ten thousand mental math tasks? If you read my previous 86 texts in their original version, I tried hard to hide that reality. A few days later, it turned out that she was reading. I left the rest open.
² I used to ‘accidentally’ reference where I was walking.
³ I was right.