1. Growing weaker
My app failed to commercialize a month ago, in September 2023, and the purpose of creating apps lasted almost three years. If you read my previous texts, there was very little evidence for my current emotional state; it’s not good.
I like to believe that my current transformations are more significant than when I got rid of all bad habits six months ago because now I suffer more. Little did I know that the death of my first idea would bring emotional, mental, and physical suffering with a month’s delay. I tried to hide my pain; hence, little is visible in my texts. However, now, I must accept that I wake up and feel worse than the day before.
Why did I grow weak? Firstly, the 12th school year began in late August, and my classmates were unbelievably weak, which may have had an impact. Then, my apps failed, one after the other. After a few blissful days of relief and peace, I heard something breaking my reality apart. There was a girl I asked out in June and I didn’t overcome her, quite the opposite. In my presence, she bragged about how ‘great’ a random vape fatty is and how they are going to spend the autumn holidays together. By the way, these holidays are now. I thought she was the most intelligent girl in my school. The problem is, I know multiple people with this name, and maybe that’s her brother's name or something like that. But, I fear my worst assumption is accurate; if so, I have terrible judgment and should not listen to my heart. If that purposeless loser gets her, what am I even working 14-hour days for? It gets worse from here. A few days later, I got sick, and now it was time for the 12th-grade final trip to Venice. The trip itself was nice, but losers, cowards, and quitters always surrounded me. “You need to relax too,” “It's ok to eat sweets,” and “If you continue like this, you will suffer terrible burnout in the future.” Surrounded by weakness and negativity and already weakened, I became susceptible to instant gratification like cake. By then, I had already forgotten what instant gratification was, and here I was reminded. These losers even validated me when I ate cake and stopped my disciplined alpha mode. A year ago, I had grown confident enough to refuse sugar even when offered, and now I was eating cake, that’s what I call a crushed self-image. I also took my first sip of alcohol in a restaurant in Venice and received validation from everyone. I’m 16 years old, so I’m allowed to drink. It gets still worse. The next day, after the final trip to Venice, my family and I drove to the airport in Prague. My sister mentioned to my family that this girl sat near this crackhead, and he woke her up for fun on the bus, confirming my worst assumption. And maybe she has mental health issues herself, maybe there’s something I don’t know? We weren’t in the airport for no reason. We flew to Turkey, near Alanya. It was aesthetically beautiful, but I felt terrible. It was too hot for me, and everyone around me was weak; every tourist was fat. While you may think that I could have laid back and show off my six-pack at the beach to some random girls, trust me, I don’t like the beach. I couldn’t leave the hotel either because going anywhere alone could be too dangerous. Then, there were many beautiful appetizing chocolaty desserts there, and if I had eaten cake in Venice, why not here? I became even weaker. The only thing I could do was write and pray on my knees. Now, I'm back in Germany, and I'm not feeling a lot better because it’s dark and grey.
2. Time to get up
I knew very well that discipline creates happiness, not instant gratification. That's what I fought hard for with committed year-long self-improvement. By taming my desires, I’ve seen genuine beauty. Discipline comes from a vision. I have lacked vision for a month. Without a why, almost any how becomes unbearable.
Eating sweets didn’t kill me, so why not again? I had convinced myself that sugar is evil, and when I ate cake, I noticed no difference. Thus, my disciplined mind collapsed entirely.
On my walk on Sunday, October 8th, 2023, of October, I devised a plan to return to strength. Because I already knew that discipline derived from purpose, I established a to-do list of videos I would record and other work I would complete. I would know exactly what to do for a week, and this week could be pivotal for my next season. I figured it could only go up from here.
3. The perfect week
Fast forwarding a week …
I failed.
The week from 9th to 15th October was terrible.
I kept coping with the weaknesses everyone projected on me: “Rest,” “Low performance and bad habits are necessary,” and “Don't overwork.” I wasn't doing what my inner self thought I should do, and I suffered as a result. I need to fortify my mind against evil spirits.
And yes, you can get validated for the wrong things. That’s what I learned in Venice.
While I got some things done, I was productive only for a maximum of two hours a day. My standards were those of my best days; thus, my ego amplified my pain. The depth of consciousness caused me to suffer.
I wasted most of my time, for example, with my family. It wasn't lovely family time; it was mindless chores and conflict. With this much emotional turmoil, I started to behave almost like a teenage girl. (I love teenage girls, so you can’t call me sexist!) One such conflict was that I'm moving away in 2024. I tried to explain that I only needed an outlet, a computer, and a chair, and I already had those things. The rest was unessential. Some kids in Africa have a terrible internet connection and still make money. I don’t need spoons and forks. Other time was wasted lying in bed and being heartbroken. Heartbreak impairs creativity and decision-making because it makes you obsess over something pointless.
Unfortunately, this week is almost over. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday remain. Now, I don’t know what to do, and I feel even weaker, defeated, and insecure than before.
Liminality – the space between two chapters – is the enemy of discipline.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s natural to have low-performing periods to remind me of how great life can be. Seeing this contrast makes me suffer; seeing where I'm at right now and where I want to be brings me pain. I need to learn how to handle a declining phase.
4. Why discipline is great
Discipline frees one from the traps of instant gratification and misleading urges. It enables deeper modes of existence beyond one’s animalistic desires that don’t bring deeper satisfaction. I believe the baseline of being a man is self-control. Most people's biggest regret is that they wasted their time on earth; discipline can prevent that.
What are the downsides of excessive discipline? Burnout, lack of spontaneity, social stuff getting neglected, and reduced creativity. But those can be fixed or prevented. What are the negatives of excessive instant gratification? They are endless.
Maybe this text will make you feel better because I doubt I’m alone … However, I do accept that everything is my fault. It’s my fault my apps failed, it’s my fault I didn’t get over that girl, and it’s my fault I was too weak to do what I was supposed to do. I don’t know how long it will take me to rediscover my purpose.
The choice is yours.