This text is a collection of daily notes from the first week of April.
Meditation March 31st
I have news; I don't know if it is good or bad. My writing is going to be a lot rarer in the future. All texts were written inspired by the girl who didn’t want me, as they unraveled many lessons and mental conflicts, and I always sought to impress her. Now she's gone. Secondly, I don't want to repeat myself too often. My life will have little change in the next few months, especially considering that school is over and university only starts in October; hence, there won't be many deeper lessons. When I live alone doing things, recording videos, reading, and doing sports, there is no need to write anything; I have written enough on that already. I cannot find deep relief through writing when my soul does not hurt.
I announce that I will challenge myself to create 30 videos for the next 60 days, until June 1st.
Despair is what will keep me going and pushing. I will further motivate myself by writing down my problems every day, even if they are very trivial; for example, in the last few days, I have trained too much and eaten too little. If I write down trivial issues, I get to fix them rather quickly. Another thing that keeps me going is the strong urgency - life is short. There will also be other things pushing me, such as the responsibility I feel to become rich and not let anyone around me down. But this is not despair, the primary source of my new motivation.
Because school is over, I'm isolated, but this isn’t the main source of despair either.
I can reveal what specific mental image will make me push the hardest. If she matures fast enough and changes her friends, the girl who rejected me will probably take someone who will be around 24. This guy will have a car and a degree in medicine. Everyone will see him as successful, except he’s missing the self-improvement. He will be too weak to resist the slightest temptations. He will have no purpose; instead, he will watch movies with her while cuddling and eating chocolate strawberries. At least, he won't be as extreme as me; she will think to herself, deeply convinced of her righteousness. He would never dare to command her anything, and she would be the boss, which is, of course, known to make women happy; all women dream of a useless, weak, and incompetent man by their side. Everyone already knows women get wet fantasizing about losers; this is undoubtedly a universal law of the universe.
This mental image is fantastic since I know I will be much further in life in a decade. It generates just enough pressure. If you give me a decade — Can I get more out of life than a degree in medicine and a car? Yes.
Picture this. My parents will give me a car too. Chances are it will also be more expensive, so half of the surpassing is done. So now only the millions remain. It’s not up for debate whether I will become a millionaire. That’s all that I'm busy with.
Every time I visualize the scenario of her taking someone else, I'm helpless. That despair is the perfect motivation. I must dedicate nothing less than my entire life to prove every girl wrong.
Since I can’t harness the motivation that comes from pursuing her, I will use the motivation to instill regret. You see, energy can't be created or destroyed. You decide whether you want to be depressed or hit the gym. The choice is yours.
When I see her at a party with someone else, that's the perfect motivation. I would be unable to sleep, so I might as well work all night long. Even if that guy is a supreme human being, that’s motivation. Although I doubt that because she isn’t objectively that attractive, it’s only me who can’t help but be attracted.
Life offers surprises everywhere. So, I want to remain open-minded. If she loves me, didn’t have anyone in the meantime, and hasn’t lost her virginity, stops using the internet, stops partying and spending time with losers, why not take her? She can let me know. I may sound like an idiot right now, and that’s okay. In any case, I’m in a position where I can’t lose.
So, what is the biggest thing holding me back? There is none. I need to gain momentum to regain my dangerous productivity; then, I can let time tick. I'm about to live an amazing life.
Monday, April 1st 2024
Four months into 2024, and what have I achieved? Nothing. Life is short - especially if you waste it 'because you were in a weak phase.'
A bit more than two months ago, I wrote a love letter in which I wrote something similar to: “I like to run, and I know you like to run as well.”
I’ve been running in the gym daily to get warm, but I've rarely gone further than 3 km.
As the text ‘I don’t want to peak at a party,’ in late January, I ran 10 km for the very first time in my life. In February and March, I would run 10 km another three times.
But, on March 24th, I decided to run 10 km every day until April 27th, when there’s an 8 km race.
On March 24th, I ran 10 km.
On March 25th, I ran 10 km.
On March 26th, I used a scooter to go 25 km, which was a lot harder than I thought.
On March 27th, I was rested.
On March 28th, I ran 4 km because “I started to feel ill because ‘I ate too little’”
On March 29th, I biked 25 km.
On March 30th, I ran 13 km, because many girls were watching.
On March 31st, I ran 10 km.
So, April 1st was the 5th ten-kilometer run. Today, I didn’t hit the gym before my run. Instead, I kept telling myself that I'm not a beta—that’s how I ran 10 km in 40 minutes. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even sweat, and neither was I particularly exhausted. But the clock wasn’t lying. In further disbelief, I measured how long that route was, and indeed, it was 9950 m.
If things took a different turn, and she took me, I doubt we could run together. 10 km in 40 minutes for a week of training is unbelievable. It looks like I didn’t train in the gym for nothing. That's what I got because of my high standards for myself.
Tuesday, April 2nd 2024
Today, I had to accept defeat. After I ran for only two kilometers, an intense rain and wind slowed me down to just walking speed. Additionally, for obvious reasons, my feet hurt. I will have to take my second rest day tomorrow; I need to sacrifice my ego for a day, even if girls won't find that hot.
But, to all the hot blondes reading, I didn’t quit after two kilometers. I kept going for one more kilometer in the stormy, cold rain. I walked the way back home and saw a bright rainbow, which I found sweet.
In the end, it was pretty, and I regret nothing. It is very cathartic to get tested, humbled, and then redeemed. I was shown where I belong and that I truly am just at the beginning.
Tomorrow, I will have to take a break. So, I will lock myself in my room until I record ten videos.
Wednesday, April 3rd 2024
Done. Ten videos were recorded. I view this as a mental exercise. I had no way to fail, as I locked myself up until I was done. Obviously, I still went to the toilet and ate. This was one of the longest days in a while. I was fully conscious; it was like meditating for ten hours straight. Tomorrow, I will bike to the original route of the race I'm training for. I plan to walk it; I'm not ready to run it. By 18:00, I should be at the mountain's top.
Thursday, April 4th 2024
Yesterday, I promised to go to the gym, then bike to the original route and walk there. I arrived at five in the evening. I was too stupid to bring a lock. Hence, I couldn’t leave the bike on the mountain foot. But I had to keep going.
As I biked into the forested section, I did not encounter a single soul, which made me wonder what people are doing with their lives when everything is green and blossoming. Then, there was a section where I needed to fight uphill - until I noticed that I had taken the wrong turn. I struggled uphill for nothing. From above, I saw a blonde girl running on the right path. She ran in the opposite direction, meaning I would have met her if I had stayed on the right path. She wore a blue shirt, which strongly reminded me of that girl. It seemed she was running with her father. They were the only people I saw within these hours in the woods. It was almost as if she read where I would be at which time. Call it destiny.
So, I biked down to the right path and biked uphill from the correct side of the mountain. Now, on the right path, the steepest section was yet to come, and luckily, I got this extra motivation. A few minutes later, I was at the top and took a few photos. On the way back, on the foot at the mountain, I took a wrong turn, but I still arrived at the right place.
Friday, April 5th 2024
I concluded that writing about my flaws isn’t sexy, but I will still do it. I think there is nothing sexier than complete surrender to the truth.
Today, I went to the gym and biked to the route to run. I started to run and couldn't help but ignore the pain in my lower leg. It was so bad that I could not run faster than, say, 8 km/h. I often tried to look at the map and my phone because I didn’t want to take another wrong turn. I knew I wasn't going fast, but it was painful nonetheless.
As I returned to my bike, I realized it took 74 minutes to run 8 km. That’s a catastrophe compared to 40 minutes to run 10 km. That’s shameful. I could try to excuse myself: unknown terrain, steepness, hurting feet… I think I will need two rest days.
The issue is that I did not learn my lesson. God made me fall in love with that girl and let her reject me. Then, He made me see blonde girls everywhere. Today, I've been sinful, and that’s the result I got.
The weekend.
Not much happened on April 6th and 7th. I spent most of the time editing videos and studying for the physics exam on the 12th. On the 6th, I rested at home, and on the 7th, I biked the route again and walked it. The weather was perfect: sunny but not hot. Altogether, I produced nine videos and recorded fifteen, read approximately three hundred pages, went to the gym three times, and fixed other issues, for example, eating too little.
I trained using despair. Through training, I regained purpose, thus rebuilding momentum in my self-improvement.